I live in storybooks

I'm a dreamer, I guess that why I'm a writer, but I've been fantasizing about love my entire life, although I have never actually met a man who I have fallen in love with, I do feel love sometimes between moments of hell with my ghost, and my prayer, and my wish is to feel those moments all the time, because that's when I have hope and believe again, and that's when I feel good. I especially find these moments of beauty when i am grateful or reflecting on the beauty of the world like food and miracles and God and mountains and landscape, all the good things I often miss from my sickness. I wish it was summer so I could lie out and get a tan, listen to my book on tape and just smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink coffee. It's raining now in January, not snowing, but it's been a sleepy day that seemed to pass without me noticing it.

I have been thinking about exorcisms with my ghost. I've seen exorcisms and spirits who have tried to hurt bodies. It seems hard to believe that another spirit can enter your body, but apparently it's true, and it's been true to me. It is hard to explain my ghost, he says he god, but he has often abused me, he stopped me from eating for a year now and he's not helping me eat again, he has basically abused and destroyed me. When I think about exorcisms he gets angry and asks me why I don't love him, why i don;t pray to Jesus to change him, and he has changed, he's lightened up on me, not hitting me anymore, but I was watching the exorcism on youtube and i started crying. i do want love to win in this, but I'm hurting really really badly. i'm doing very badly. I try to pray, but a prayer doesn't get in, it fades away, and I'm afraid god doesn't really love me that much. So as the ghost pulls on my body, he is inside my body, i start crying, like we're saying goodbye forever. he yells at me why don't I love him, and he's right, but i dont feel love because I'm exhausted I'm tired and frustrated by all the pain he has put me through. I do want him to change, I'm praying to the universe and Jesus and god and the angels and everyone that love does win in all this and he does change with love and that i change with love, but right now I feel absolutely hopeless. I've eben going through this for 8 years, and I really won;t ever ask god why he planned this for my life or why he did this to me, but i do wonder why me. It's been absolutely horrific everyday is a horrible day. I was asking jesus to help me because I know i need a miracle, and I've seen people get miracles on yourube , i keep watching the happy story of a blind man who sees again (imagine that, wow) and a demon possessed girl who is finally free (because it is slavery) or of paralyzed man who can walk and I belive in my heart I'll eat agian i'm just waiting on god to help me, but i guess everything is in his time, but I really don;t know why he gave me all this pain.

I'm so confused, why would god torment people when all they need is love. Why would would he plan this is in the Bible for someone life, the life i ahd to live as the Whore From Babylon.

Why would god do this to me?